There are many people who are perpetually concerned about offending others or creating conflict in their relationships, at work and in their personal lives, that it can stand in the way of their moving forward.

For a range of roles imagine everyday scenarios like - inability to express concern about meeting a target to a boss (in a tough market/ economy); seeking extension on multiple assignments with similar deadlines that are making work stressful; applying for transfer to another department; asking for additional resources; requesting leave of absence for attending to personal stuff when there are serious challenges at work; feeling uneasy even when being offered an promotion / elevation because you are afraid the enhanced role will require long commute / lot of travel which may pose challenges on the home front or responsibilities of children.

Similarly, on the personal front people who expect partners / spouses / in-laws/ children not to understand their financial / social or career decisions may keep secrets or not share many things for fear of upsetting the latter, or being potentially confronted with endless questions or avoiding deep seeded arguments!

Sometimes all the above scenario’s are not as much of a ‘catastrophe’ as the person may think it to be.

Thoughts like “if I upset my boss, he may react unreasonably, I may get humiliated in front of others / not be seen as a team player or the responsible one / what if I lose out on my chances of getting promoted / what if get fired; If I anger my partner, they’ll leave me, or nag me for putting my ambition/career ahead of the family, not being sensitive to the family’s needs / my children ( or parents) will resent me and so on “

For many people, the fear of upsetting others is very real, very powerful and can actually be debilitating! They might just freeze / withdraw and not be able to say anything, experience anxiety, feel stuck, frustrated and even resentful.

There is no shortcut to overcoming this fear but I will share few insights that seems to work with clients.

1. Nurture your self-confidence (lack of which comes from your insecurities). This would encourage you to take on greater challenges!

2. Engage in meaningful, authentic conversation with others which allows both parties to listen and to be heard.

3. Listen to your own voice which will help you learn to respect your reality and honor your priorities. Not to become overworked, overcommitted and overwhelmed!

4. Become more comfortable with conflict! Expressing differences in opinion can be unnerving, but the process of working through conflict can actually lead to stronger connections.

5. Weigh your options calmly before your “inner voice” triggers spiralling distorted thoughts which unwittingly sabotage the outcome

6. Understand the thoughts / concerns that are driving your fears ( this may require a coach or a wise friend)

Personally, I do not suffer from fear of upsetting people but definitely have experienced many an awkward moments with parents / in laws / bosses where I have attempted to share something with them which may not be in line with their thinking. In the process I faced rebuttal, embarrassment and humiliation!

However, setbacks aside, that would strengthen my resolve each time to move ahead some other way. My confidence in my own ability to develop trust with the people concerned, be able to communicate articulately, be patient and have the resilience did give me a sweet taste of some success as well. Timing, as I found is of essence in all such matters.

(This article first appeared on the WiP page on August 1st, 2022. I am the founder of WiP which is a cohort of like minded talented women who help each other grow in a fun filled, judgement free manner!)