Most of you would have heard about this and some of you would have experienced it as well - that feeling of sadness or loneliness that the parents feel when their children leave the house. This can happen when the children get married or start higher education.
In some cases, these feelings can be rather intense and actually feel like grief or even trigger depression. I recall my own mother going through a rather difficult period when her firstborn, my elder brother left for Engineering College. Technically, it was not an ‘empty nest’ since my younger brother at 4 years of age and I at 14 were still around. But mom used to miss bhaiya, cry inconsolably, and moped for days. Since there was no cell phone those days, she would worry about his well-being all the time. Now I wonder if she felt she had lost her sense of meaning and purpose. She handled my leaving home four years later much better!
It’s not that men don’t suffer from this syndrome but in the case of women, this takes a lot more prominence. It might coincide with a stage of life called menopause and taking care of their aged parents and so on.
Over the last few decades, there has been so much written and understood about the “empty nest syndrome”. Although feelings of grief, loss, and sadness are very normal at this phase, there are reasons why this is getting managed better today than ever before:-
1. Sending children for higher studies is something most parents start preparing for from early on and hence start preparing themselves for this change and encouraging their children to become independent
2. Most parents are in active careers or have interests that they actively pursue because of which it can be easier to cope
3. The grueling rigour of hard work of children and literally of the parents in the crucial years of a child’s class X, XII, A levels or IB, coaching classes for competitive exams, and then the University applications and selection feels like a period of an endless emotional rollercoaster. When they are actually gone (phew!) it can actually bring a lot of respite in your lives as in theirs.
4. Children may seem nervous before leaving home but are more inclined to be excited if you can reassure them that a whole new Uni ( adult) life awaits them and they should be making the most of their experiences. You, on your part instead of worrying and being terrified about “how will they manage” actually trust your upbringing and values. They actually learn from others whom they meet and even if they have a few not-so-great experiences come out wiser and thrive well!
5. The overall connectivity with children is excellent now. You may miss the physical presence and companionship of your children but if you want you can text, WhatsApp, Video chat / FaceTime as many times as you want and feel part of their lives as much as you both mutually agree to! Whether they are in Uni or starting a new life post marriage respect their privacy and avoid stalking them online or remote management of their decisions and choices!
When my daughter left for university my husband and I were posted in Paris (a city we both love). We celebrated our empty nest by socializing a lot more and travelling through most of Europe over weekends and picking up our individual favourite activities. Today we are back in Mumbai and my daughter and we are in different time zones but we still make time to check in with each other a few times in the day! We share highlights of the day, progress about our individual work, news regarding our pets, friends and extended family (in that order) and keep planning the next and the next family vacation.
(This article first appeared on the WiP page on 12 September, 2022. I am the founder of WiP which is a cohort of like minded talented women who help each other grow in a fun filled, judgement free manner!)